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SPARE ME: Cumias new book FREE!!!

RobertMewler

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98,739
One time Keith went to book the room for him at the hotel, and the front desk person said, “We are not accepting any reservations for Artie Lange anymore.” And Keith asked why. Apparently, the previous time Artie stayed there, he left the room looking like a murder scene. There was blood everywhere, apparently from Artie’s nose. His nose was already deteriorating from drug abuse, and he had gotten punched by his dealer. He just bled everywhere on the bed. So, it was to the point where the hotel knew who he was and would no longer have him on their premises. And this wasn’t the fucking Plaza or the St. Regis; this was a shithole hotel on Thirty-Fifth Street.

Maybe "shithole hotels" don't appreciate diseased blood all over their linens either, Ant.
 

Voscabulary

#Africa2025
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8,654
"Keith Maresca and I went to Artie Lange’s apartment in Hoboken to be guests on his own podcast. “You know, why don’t we approach Artie to be the cohost of your show?” Keith suggested. And I was thinking, “I don’t know if I need one.” I mean, things were going smooth at the Compound—Compound Media, the podcast platform I created"

already howling, and that's the first fucking page. fucking hell, he is deluded
 
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Sue Lightning

IS SHE TALKING ABOUT ME?
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119,122
CHAPTER 2: AFTER ARTIE

Lotta Landau talk in this one. Lotta bitterness and coping. I have to do some work so i’ll continue in an hour or so. Upcoming chapters as a TEASE!!!

Ch 3: KTC
Ch 4: The Misfits of Compound
Ch 5: Opie, What Are You Doing?
Ch 6: The Stuttering Buffoon
Ch7: Bill Burr and Other Bitches
Ch 8: Owen “Flat Earth” Benjamin
Ch 9: Trumpity Trump Trump
Ch 10: Cancel This Cancel Culture Bullshit! Enough Already!
 

TorquieTwoBeers

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27,010
CHAPTER 2: AFTER ARTIE

Lotta Landau talk in this one. Lotta bitterness and coping. I have to do some work so i’ll continue in an hour or so. Upcoming chapters as a TEASE!!!

Ch 3: KTC
Ch 4: The Misfits of Compound
Ch 5: Opie, What Are You Doing?
Ch 6: The Stuttering Buffoon
Ch7: Bill Burr and Other Bitches
Ch 8: Owen “Flat Earth” Benjamin
Ch 9: Trumpity Trump Trump
Ch 10: Cancel This Cancel Culture Bullshit! Enough Already!
If you were trying to parody Anthony you could not have come up with more basic and idiotic chapters. He could have just hired anyone here for a minimal amount of money with the objective "write a book as Anthony that makes him look like a bitter old queen obsessed with liberals" and the final result would have been the same.
 

Imager

Scaffolding Photographer
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59,450
If you were trying to parody Anthony you could not have come up with more basic and idiotic chapters. He could have just hired anyone here for a minimal amount of money with the objective "write a book as Anthony that makes him look like a bitter old queen obsessed with liberals" and the final result would have been the same.
ChatGPT could do it.

I literally had ChatGPT write the chapter "Opie, What Are You Doing?" as if it was Anthony Cumia. Here's what I got.

Chapter 7: Opie, What are you Doing?

As I sat there in the studio, headphones on, staring across the table at Opie, I couldn't help but wonder, "Opie, what are you doing?" It was a question that seemed to echo through the room every time he opened his mouth or made some bizarre move. You see, Opie was a character, a real piece of work, and sometimes I swear he was put on this Earth just to mess with me.

Opie had this knack for turning any normal conversation into something completely off the rails. We'd start talking about the news or a current event, and within seconds, he'd somehow veer into a story about his pet lizard or a wild night out that ended in a dumpster behind some dive bar. And the worst part? He'd do it with this innocent grin on his face, like he genuinely believed everyone wanted to hear about his escapades with reptiles or his dubious adventures in the seedy underbelly of New York City.

But you know what? That was Opie. You couldn't hate the guy for it. In fact, half the time, I think I secretly enjoyed the chaos he brought into my life. It kept things interesting, to say the least.

One particular morning, we were on air discussing the upcoming election. Opie, in his infinite wisdom, decided it was the perfect time to start talking about his latest hobby—squirrel photography. Yes, you read that right. Squirrel. Photography.

"Anthony, I gotta tell ya," he began, leaning back in his chair with a twinkle in his eye, "these squirrels in Central Park, they're like little models. Posin' for me every day!"

I glanced at him, incredulous. "Opie, we're talking about the future of the country here. Squirrels can wait."

"But Ant," he protested, "these aren't just any squirrels. They got personality! I swear, I caught one doin' a backflip off a branch yesterday. It was like he knew I had the camera ready."

I shook my head, chuckling despite myself. "Opie, sometimes I really wonder about you."

He grinned broadly, clearly pleased with himself. "Hey, you know what they say—life's about the little things. And right now, those little things are my squirrel pals."

And that was the essence of Opie. In the midst of serious discussions and heated debates, he'd find a way to bring it all back down to earth. Whether it was through his odd hobbies, his quirky anecdotes, or his unique perspective on life, Opie never failed to keep me guessing.

So, as I sat there listening to him wax poetic about his newfound passion for squirrel photography, I couldn't help but smile. Opie might have been a bit eccentric, a bit unpredictable, but he was also one of a kind. And honestly, where would The Opie and Anthony Show be without him?

Probably a lot quieter. And definitely a lot less entertaining.
EDIT by ME: This is actually funnier and more readable than Ant's book. The Squirrel Photography line gotta nigga's ribs.
 
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