Chapter One
It had been yet another long day of being right about everything, child. Mind you, this was before the pandemic, and my stand up comedy career was in full swing.
My comedy alone was paying for my half of the mortgage. My (verified) Twitter also generated income through my political firebranding. Finally, there was my book deal, which alone secured me six figures every year.
I'd had many brushes with fascists since cheeto play Pinochet took office. But when they found me, it was always a short visit. My house is light on closets, you see. One fascist showed up on my doorstep to fight me because my tweets were so important and smart. My rhetoric enraged him to such an extent he, of course, could not refute it. He had to resort to violence to maintain his cisheteronormative interpretation of masculinity.
Unfortunately for him, I'm a six foot tall, 220 pound trained fighter. Now, you may read that and think: "That's impossible! A man who likes Star Wars and Lord of the Rings can also FIGHT!!??" Yes, child, I can. Its why everyone refers to me as a "stealthy geek." You see, I like nerd things, but also manly man things like alcohol, heavy weights, fighting, mustangs, and tools, and being buried in strange.
When you're as right as I am about literally everything all the time, you're bound to make a few enemies. I had seen my "peer" (in profession alone) Norm Macdonald tweet in support of LITERAL NAZI Shane Gillis. Now, I'm a comedian. Comedy is about mocking Republicans in verbose tangents that have few punchlines, if any. Your goal is to make the audience agree with you. "Laughter" is something hacks go for. You can make anyone laugh. Laughter a comic does not make. It's about speaking truth to power. If the target of your joke is a different race than you, and you're white? You don't do it. If they make less money than you? You don't do it. These are the rules Bill Hicks wrote. How quickly people forget.
Norm Macdonald is one such hack that seems to think comedy is just an outlet through which he can espouse his hatred and bigotry. And so I, being the most correctest boy in all of Milwaukee, said that Norm wasn't funny. Many of my "peers" had told me he was funny. But I always knew better. You see, we comedians enjoy "taking a piss" (for me mates across the pond) with one another. My brothers in arms were screwing with me by saying Norm was funny. That had to have been it. Norm has never been funny. I've never seen him address the GOP once. Or talk about why Canada is better than the US.
And so I said it. And for the next three years, for LITERALLY no other reason, these incel nazi hitler Maga trolls have seen to it that I'm financially rooned. Their mission statement is to drive me to suicide. But luckily for them, I know karate. I've got a six. And I'm very cranky.
